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Ivy [userpic]

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June 6th, 2011 (10:10 pm)

Im closeing this journal.
I want a private journal from now on.
And plus Im sick of this name Freakchild was me when I was like 14.
So Bye and thanks.

:)
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Ivy [userpic]

Writer's Block: Your own toy story

June 5th, 2011 (12:22 pm)
okay

current mood: okay
current song: Lady Gaga - Poker Face

Did you have a favorite stuffed animal, action figure, or doll growing up? If so, what was it and what happened to it?


Yeah I had various teddy’s and toys that I owned and loved when I was growing up, but my favorite was a teddy simply named special ted, who I had from birth, It came everywhere with me, all over the country, sleepovers and brownie camps and school journeys.
Even in my early teens it would come to sleepovers with me, and sometimes it would remain my bag hidden, only so I knew it was there.
It’s safe to say that I was very attached to my teddy.
I felt like I couldn’t sleep without it.
But I grew up, but I still have my teddy, and it sits on a shelf above my bed, with a new red ribbon, and its one if not the most important item I own.
:)
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Ivy [userpic]

Give me something to break.

May 31st, 2011 (11:47 am)
irate

current mood: irate

Im sick to the back teeth of my domestic life.
Its fucking awful.
One minute my uncle is fine the next his not.
Its forever turning and spining by his demands, and Im sick of it.
Apparently all our stuff is unnessersery, and he wants to chuck things away, over my dead body will any of my belongings be thrown away.
If he trys to chuck away any of my belongings I will serriously go for him.
Most of my stuff is a mixture of books,religion based or keepsakes I have over the years.
And maybe a few Buffy related objects.
I cant believe he thinks he has the right to tell us what is and what isnt nessersery AND YES IM AWARE I CANT FUCKING SPELL IT.

What makes it worse is that I have a fucking cold, I feel shakey and keep having hot sweats and I just feel weak.
I have waited nearly 2 weeks to see my friends and go out have a good time, and I feel like utter shit.
I also have the shop today which makes matters worse.
Im dressed and ready to go but I feel like shit.
I trying hard to pull myself round, I think Ill get a coffee.

I need a fucking drink and a fag.
Im so fed up.

He was even meant to be helping me doing my ebay yesterday but decided he was too tired, and he will be working late all next week, and ontop of that his going to america for a week at the end of the week.
So yeah times ticking I need to make a living and get myself out of this hell hole.
So Im going to have to find someone else that will be willing to help me.
He wont even help me, so I can leave.
Im sure thats what he wants, for us all to leave.
And to be honnest I cant wait till Im able to.
Every man I have ever known has tried to control me, or control my situation, and he can fuck off doing that.
If my grandad wasent here this week, I really would have said something.
Im disgusted by the whole fucking thing.
He doesnt like me because apparently Im not thin enouugh to be liked. WHAT THE FUCK.

WELL TO FUCK WITH THAT.

Im so angry, I havent felt this anger for awhile.
I think it was the threat on my stuff.
I dont think Im much of an agressive person, but when I start boiling I honnestly find it hard to carm down.

The worst thing is I have even been thinking of turning to magic to sort him out.
MORALS ?
ETHICS ?

Eugh.
Im so fucking annoyed.
Im annoyed at myself, my situation, my fucking uncle.
If I had somewhere to go, I think I would just go.

And all of this talk of leaving to scotland is doing muy fucking head in.
I dont want to move especially to scotland.

I think the only way, is to get this stuff online, and fucking start selling, saveing, and then end of next year look to move out or something.
EUGH.

I so angry that I feel ill.
Its going off abit lol, but I think thats something to do with me being angry.
Yeah Ill go get a hot drink, and some echineansah or however you spell that nasty little wonder herb.

Eugh.
Thats it.
Im off..
Bai.
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Ivy [userpic]

dad

May 30th, 2011 (09:51 pm)
sore

current mood: sore
current song: Queen - play the game

Just thinking about my dad.
I suppose thats why I dont listen to queen much.
rubbish.

Its weird I always associate music with people or events.
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Ivy [userpic]

Good Vibrations

May 27th, 2011 (04:07 pm)
hungry

current mood: hungry
current song: The Beach Boys - Good vibrations

Today has been quite good really.
Im knacked.
I meet up with mum, and got some really cool shit.
- BUFFY DOLL <3 OMG my 1st in my soon to be very large collection. It was actually really hard to pick one but I started with Buffy because shes like the slayer and that.
I figured Im going to get the main characters and then slowly build it up with buying other characters.
Im not much intrested in the larger figures but the smaller ones are pretty ace.
- Buffy Cards - just some birthday cards Im going to put around my room.
- Some shoes - reduced from £30 to £6 RESULT, they are heels but I so want to learn to walk in them, so Im going to spend this weekend in pain breaking them in.
- Darren shan books <3 SIGNED.
- New Purse, not that exciteing but quite nice.
So yayness. Im such a spolit brat bah.

The tree behind me keeps attacking my hair, its annoying.

Anyways My Grandad is slowly understanding that he needs to take this really slow.
And his doing well.

Thats it really cant think of anything else to update on.....
Buffy <3 <3

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Ivy [userpic]

extra crunchy side dish of TOENAILS.

May 26th, 2011 (10:16 pm)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy

The most exicteing thing I did today was cut my grandads toe nails LOL.
and very much ew.


His eating and drinking today, so slow and steady progress.
*Fingers crossed*

Seing mum 2moro I think.
Anyways Dexter and bed.
My air bed is busted. :(


AHAHAHAHAHA MY DP. FITTY
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Ivy [userpic]

Bumps and twists in the road.

May 26th, 2011 (12:00 am)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy

The last 48 hours have been well to be honest a shock to the system, I spent most of today asleep.
We ended up in A&E with my grandad.
My grandad had had an operation, he was being watched for quite a while with something to do with his archery’s, basically (my understanding is) one of the main archery’s to the heart wall was thinning, and basically if it burst he would drown in his own blood, and well die.
So he was pretty much a walking time bomb.
So they had been monitoring the wall, seeing when the wall got thinner, and before it gets to thin, they place a stent around the wall or in the wall to strengthen the weakness, to stop it from bursting.
The only hospital which is able to deal with this is the one in London where he had his operation.
The operation was meant to last an hour it lasted 4, and he had an epidural.
It was keyhole surgery and he was awake throughout.
The operation had been a success, although it was keyhole it was still pretty major, especially taking into account that my grandad is actually 83 years old, and with other health problems such as diabetes, blood pressure and just old age.

He was sent home in a cab from the hospital, the cab which drove him here, basically went really fast over all the bumps, and had loud music playing, he had just came out of surgery ffs.
Anyways, so when he arrived he was in a pretty bad state, and had remained in bed for 2 days, a day later he was up but complaining of horrific pain in his head. My grandad was a builder, he lived in Scotland (which at that time was no way easy) He was in the army, what I’m trying to say he would never complain if there was not a serious reason to complain.
We all thought that he was to be honest just being a bad patient, and well it does take a long while to recover from any operation, I had my tonsils out a pretty routine op and I have never experienced so much pain, and getting over it took about 2mnths, so yeah.
George had been doing biology at school and well she would not be happy if I said this, but she reads medical books for fun, so she said that the syptoms sounded like something, I can’t quite member what, but yeah...
So we looked the things up, and basically we was worried so my aunt phoned the hospital he had had his op in, and they said get him to A&E now.

The long and short of it is, there were times last night I thought he was actually dying in front of me.
He was so ill, that I honestly thought that was it.

At 1st they thought the stent may have moved in the taxi drive home (what with it being so bad) they took an X-Ray - It had not moved.
Then they looked into infection took bloods - no infection.
Then they thought it might be a bleed in the brain - At this point it was probbers about 4am, we had arrived at the hospital around 9.30.
When they said that, I can’t explain how I felt.
The CAT scan was clear, the dr then explained how basically it was a reaction to the epidural, by this point my grandad was looking better, they had placed him on a drip, and some strong pain killers.
They had to wait for another doctor, to basically concur with the other doctor, and discharge him. My aunt sent me home I left the hospital at around 6.30am, with my grandad and aunt arriving about 2 hours after I had got home, with the all clear.
He was dehydrated as well.
He has to rest, but today he was up and looking well so much better.
His on extra meds, and needs to be watched with his water intake, but basically it was all a reaction to the epidural, and apparently it is a common reaction to have.
They had kept toping him up throughout his operation, and at one point thought that he was paralyzed.
But they fixed him, and I think his going to be okay.

Apart from the fact that I thought my grandad was going to die, I also have an intense fear of hospitals, doctors, anything medical.
I can watch it on tv, but being there absolutely terrifies me, I don’t think anyone can know to what extent I suffer from this.
I spent the whole night trying not to have a panic attack (Y) And when I got left at one point I thought I was going to totally freak out, but I wanted to be there for my aunt, and to see if my grandad was going to be okay.
That makes me sound like I’m saying I’m so amazing or whatever I’m not I was a complete fucking wreak.
Also hospitals are not fun when you can pick up emotions; I actually had the worse headache in a long time from that
so safe to say it was a pretty awful experience.

I felt tons of guilt of not being more supportive, and for panicking over being in a hospital, but also for complaining about not having my room, and hiding my witch stuff and not being more accodateing to my grandad,
I also felt tons of guilt over not telling my grandad that I love him what with the thought of him passing.
I never tell my family I love them (apart from George, which is always said in a joking manner) it’s just not done.
And the same with my friends, I don’t need to hug them but sometimes a hug with friends and family may show people that I care, rather than coming off as being I don’t know uncaring or whatever.
We're not a family of hugs and I love you, but what if that person isn’t aware of how much you do actually love them.
And what if when the time comes, I never had the guts to be upfront about how I felt.

It’s just made me reliese more what is important in life, family and friends, there should be no room for pointless people.
Life is sacred, I don’t know why we are here, I tend to think it’s to look after the planet improve ourselves and look after each other.
But I do know that we are here for such a short time, and after life well it’s a big question isn’t it, I know what I think, but really I now feel that some of my views have been conformed, as well as some things that I needed to be aware of.
Nothing’s changed majorly, but when you think a loved one is going to die, it just makes you more of aware of whom and what is important in life, there is no room of any error, and I think I’m more aware of this now.

Anways I’m going back to sleep now.
Night
x
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Ivy [userpic]

dewitch

May 20th, 2011 (10:41 am)
blah

current mood: blah
current song: Lady Gaga - Judas

I had to de witch my room today, still in the process of removing anything that may say Im a witch.
Well I am, so its hardly that I can remove it.
I know its only books and my altar and other things, but removeing them feels wrong.
It feels like Im trying to hide a part of myself, my room is like my haven, my house somewhere that is mine, where Im free to express myself, and worship my Gods

I understand why I have to hide things, its to remove the possibility of my grandad finding out, and why is because he wont understand, and Im mature enough to see the reasons for it.
I mean you wouldent hurt someone on purpose would you ?

His going to be staying for a few days whilst he gets over he operation, he had it yesterday and spent the night, we are not sure if he is coming home today or saturday.
But his staying for just under a week.
We found out yesterday that the doctors rushed him in within a week because basically well he wouldent have made the year if he hadent had it.
That shocked me, because I just felt he would be okay, I mean he is okay, but I didnt reliese how well close he was.
The operation which should have taken a hour took four, but the doctors have said it is fine.
But my aunt saw him yesterday and he was okay, we havent heard yet today but will ringing later this afternoon to see how his doing.

I dont mind giving my room up, I just mind having to hide things, but I dont.
I dont want to sound selfish.
I suppose its just hideing a part of me thats what bothers me.
But Ill do it for him.
And when George is 16 Ill not be bothered if my mum finds out.
I hate all this secrecy, for something that conserns noone, I suppose its like sexualiy.
Hideing that.
EUGH.

I wish I came from a accepting family sometimes.


Anyways Im alright, just abit bleugh.
Ohhh Ive been doing yoga everyday, and Im going to be getting a yoga dvd or something at some point.
Im also eating really healthy too.
3 meals a day no snacking, and tons of fruit.
Christina is meant to be coming down, so Im looking fwd to seing her again, even if I am like NOOOOO MJ lol.
And I brought a hoddie for camping, and I have my lanteen, my torch hasent arrived yet.

Thats it really.

Bye
Moi x
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Ivy [userpic]

Writer's Block: Collect 'em all

May 18th, 2011 (11:27 am)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy

Do you collect anything? If so, what do you collect, and what made you start your collection?

I collect a few things actually.
- Anything Greenman, started that collection about 2 years ago now.
- Crystals - A forever growing collection of crystals.
- A new one Ive just started is old camras.

None of the collections I have were meant to be collections they are just things that I like on mass.
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Ivy [userpic]

Updateish

May 16th, 2011 (02:02 pm)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy
current song: Omnia - Tine Bealtaine

Just a quick update, having a break, then got some more stuff to do.
I have already done loads today, mostly boring housework jobs, but going onto some fairy door making later, funnn funnn.
Ive even done yoga today, which to be honnest seems more of a chore right now, but Im hoping I soon see the fun side of it.
And Im eating healthy (Y)
Theres rlly not much to update on.

My buffy board game arrived today so when george gets in Im going to bager her to play it with me.

My grandad is going in for his operation on wedz and having it on thurs
Im not that worried to be honnest Im glad his having it done sooner, because his abit of a walking time bomb right now, if the arhcery bursts, he could drown in his own blood so Im glad that they are getting him somewhat quickly.
But he 83 so of course I am slightly worried.
Theres nothing I can do really just pray.
But I have a feeling it will be fine.

Thats it really
Sleepy, but gots to be getting on with.

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